It’s Oscar weekend, and this year you promised you’d see every single nominated flick. Somehow, though, you spent the whole year only watching Netflix Instant. So if you’ve been invited to an Academy Awards party on Sunday and don’t want to sound uncultured, you’ll need to be able to act the part. Here’s how to fake your Oscar knowledge so well, they should give you a golden statue.
Best Supporting Actress
This one will probably be announced first, once host Ellen DeGeneres is done dancing. Jennifer Lawrence is the odds-on favorite for her role in “American Hustle.” You can lie and tell everyone you saw it and loved her performance — even if you’ve only searched “Jennifer Lawrence Naked PLEASE” on Google. Or you can throw a curveball and say you think June Squibb should win for her role in “Nebraska.” Don’t worry that you didn’t see it…no one else there did either.
Best Visual Effects
You didn’t see “Gravity” because you can’t afford a 3-D movie ticket? You can still predict that it will win for all the visual and sound categories. It’s like always betting on black at the roulette table — you’re gonna hit it a few times. Plus, if anyone asks about your favorite part of the film, just say, “Oh you know, the part in space.”
Best Original Screenplay
This race is too tough to call, but do NOT bring up “Dallas Buyers Club.” Why? Because it will immediately launch a conversation about Matthew McConaughey in ‘True Detective,” and you haven’t seen that either.
Best Adapted Screenplay
You didn’t see “Wolf of Wall Street,” but you saw the trailer, and that’s good enough. You didn’t see “Captain Phillips,” but you loved Mayor Quimby on “The Simpsons,” and that’s good enough. You didn’t see “12 Years A Slave,” but you DID see “Django Unchained.” Keep that to yourself when you pick “12 Years” to win.
Best Foreign Film
Go grab another beer here.
Best Original Song
If you have ears and have ventured out into the world, you’ve heard the song “Happy” from “Despicable Me 2” and “Let It Go” from “Frozen.” You can freely admit that you haven’t seen these movies, because you’re not 10 years old.
Best Actress
Well into hour three of your viewing party, your eyes have glazed over and you’re sweating from all the lying you’ve had to do. Fear not, you’ve got the Michael Jordan of nominees just waiting for you to pick: Say Meryl Streep, and dare everyone to tell you that you’re wrong.
Best Actor
Declare the whole category bunk since Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t nominated for his role in “Her,” then weep quietly into your smartphone. You’ll be left alone for the rest of the night, guaranteed.
Best Picture
Everyone’s asleep. An exhausted Ellen has broken her hip in a dance-related accident. Nobody suspects that you haven’t seen a single Oscar film this year. Until you make a fatal error: You mispronounce “Philomena.” All the other guests snap awake. You are never invited to another Oscar party again. You trudge home and watch something on Netflix Instant.
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